Are You Even Listening?
Why Most People Aren’t Really Engaged in Conversations
We’ve all done it: nodded along in a conversation while mentally drafting a to-do list or reliving a cringeworthy moment from high school.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: you’re not alone — and you’re not listening.
The Performance of Presence
At Acting Out of Character™, we often say listening is more than hearing — it’s a full-body performance.
Just like actors on stage must listen with their eyes, breath, posture, and reactions, real-world conversations call for the same engagement.
But most of us? We’re phoning it in.
The Surprising Science of Not Listening
Multiple studies have found that a majority of people are not mentally present during conversations.
Here’s what the research shows:
Only 25% Retention
According to the University of Missouri, the average person only remembers 25% of what they hear during a typical conversation.
The rest is lost in mental static.
(Source: University of Missouri, Department of Communication, Listening Research Lab)
75% Mentally Elsewhere
Dr. Ralph Nichols, a pioneer in listening research, famously stated that we are distracted, preoccupied, or forgetful about 75% of the time when we think we’re listening.
(Source: Nichols, R.G. “Listening is a 10-Part Skill”, Harvard Business Review, 1957)
Thinking About Your Next Line
In a Harvard Business Review study, researchers found that 45% of our “listening” time is spent preparing what we’re going to say next — not actually listening to what’s being said.
(Source: Harvard Business Review, “What Great Listeners Actually Do”, 2016)
The Eye Contact Illusion
Eye-tracking studies show that after just 30 seconds of conversation, over 70% of our visual focus strays away from the speaker — toward phones, clocks, or blank stares into space.
(Source: Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 2019)
Why It Happens: The Psychology Behind It
Listening fatigue, emotional distraction, cognitive overload, and digital multitasking all chip away at our attention span.
In a 2022 UCLA study, 60% of participants admitted to mentally checking out during at least one conversation every day.
In other words: we’re talking without connecting.
What Acting Teaches Us About Real Listening
In acting, presence is everything. You can’t “act” listening—you have to really listen, or the performance falls flat. That’s why so many actors are trained to:
React moment to moment
Use their full body to stay engaged
Let go of inner dialogue in favor of outer connection
These aren’t just performance tricks. They’re life tools.
And that’s exactly what we teach in Acting Out of Character™ workshops: how to listen like it matters.
Because it does.
Two Takeaways to Try Today
Treat conversations like rehearsals. Focus your attention like it’s your cue line— because it is.
Notice when you’re “acting” engaged vs. actually engaging. Shift from performance to presence.
Final Thought
Sometimes, the difference between connection and disconnection is just 30 seconds of real presence.
Because the most important line you’ll deliver today… might not be yours.